Doorstop Education

Active listening makes people feel safe, builds trust, and changes minds.

Here’s how

Skim these: you’ll try them in the next step.

  1. Focus on one issue

    Don’t bring up the untreated asthma, the fear of needles, the avoiding and the fear of being told they’re sick in one breath. Where there’s one issue there are usually several, but you can’t fix them all at once. Talk about seeing the doctor, and explore from there.

  2. Ask open-ended questions

    Don’t ask things that can be answered with yes or no.

    “Are you mad?” “What happened?”

  3. Get comfortable with silence

    When they finish talking, say nothing. Wait for them to keep going. If you can’t stand the quiet, repeat the last few words they said.

  4. Give affirmations

    Say things that make them feel good about where they are.

    “That’s right.” “You’ve already made so much progress.”

  5. Name the feeling

    Tell them how they sound: angry, worn out, embarrassed.

    “You sound really frustrated.” “It seems like that hurt.”

  6. Summarize what they said

    Say it back in your own words. Someone says, “I don’t get much exercise. I’m penned up in an office most of the time, and when I’m stressed I like to unwind with a few beers.” You might say:

    “It’s been hard for you to be active. Your job makes you feel penned in. And when you’re stressed, a few beers help you relax.”

  7. Use small encouragers

    Short sounds and words that keep them going.

    “When?” “Really!” “Oh. Then what?”

  8. Use “I” messages if it gets heated

    If they get too emotional or start attacking you, talk about how it lands on you.

    “I feel uneasy when you talk like that.”

What shuts people down

Advice they didn’t ask for (“you should just…”), arguing or correcting, yes/no questions, turning it into a story about you, and brushing it off (“it’s not a big deal”, “calm down”). The practice in the next step watches for all of these.

Where these come from: the FBI’s crisis negotiators teach almost the same list (Vecchi, Van Hasselt & Romano, 2005), and counselors use open questions, affirmations, reflections and summaries as the core of motivational interviewing (Miller & Rollnick, Motivational Interviewing).

Pick someone who’s upset or stuck. They each have a real reason they’re not saying yet. Listen well and they open up (watch the door behind them). Lecture them and they close up. Talk out loud or type, and try the “Stay quiet” button: silence works.

The practice conversation needs JavaScript turned on.

Pick one this week. Check it off once you’ve done it.

Afterwards, look back at step 1. Which moves did you use without thinking? Which did you forget?

Sometimes how we see it doesn’t match reality. Take Ms. Demeanor (her story is at the bottom of this page): she feels her students don’t respect her, and her students feel she doesn’t respect them. Usually it’s the situation, here a strict bell system and a rushed lunch, making both sides act worse. Great people and terrible people have all been in that classroom. The only thing they have in common is the situation.

Everybody has a reason for how they act, even if it’s not a rational one. Once you understand it, you can see whether they need to change, you do, or the situation does. Getting someone to change is harder than listening, and that’s what motivational interviewing is for. Counselors and doctors use it to help people quit smoking, take their medicine or go back to school. The big idea: people believe what they hear themselves say. So instead of making the case for change, you help them make it.

  1. Ask what they’d gain

    “What would be different if you did go?”

  2. Use the scale question

    Ask how important it is from 0 to 10, then ask why it isn’t lower. Their answer is their own reason to change.

    “You said a 4. Why a 4 and not a 1?”

  3. Roll with pushback

    When they push back, reflect it instead of pushing harder.

    “But you have to!” “You’re not ready, and nobody gets to decide that for you.”

  4. Ask before you advise

    “Can I tell you what’s worked for other people?”

More places to use it:

“Just listen” is horrible advice.

  • “Listen more.”
  • “Stop complaining.”
  • “The bell doesn’t dismiss you: I do.”

Let’s talk about the bell. You’re packing up because class is about to end. You’re not the only one: zippers, uncapped pens and notebooks sound off as Ms. Demeanor wraps up her lecture. That really bothers her. She feels like the class is losing focus. She feels disrespected. Maybe she knows everybody is packing up because they want lunch, not because they don’t respect her, but it still hurts a bit. So when the bell rings, she still has a few things to say, and she sees her students standing up…

“The bell doesn’t dismiss you: I do.”

Ouch. The bell does dismiss us, that’s what it’s there for. Now you’re a bit hurt too. She’s angry, and she’s telling you what without telling you why. It sounds like she’s asserting her power, maybe in a way meant to put you down.

She’s not, really. She just doesn’t have time to say, “Look, I respect your time, and it hurts when I feel you don’t respect mine.” Or she doesn’t know her students would rather she explain herself. We can avoid this tension on both sides. How? Just listen. For real this time.