Change your school’s culture.
A handful of students decide what’s normal at your school. Get them on your side and everyone else follows.
Let's startBad vibes aren’t random.
But they can feel that way: a bored kid here, a rude comment there, a class that just goes sideways.
They usually look more like this.
One person sets the mood, and it spreads to the desks around them.
Ever had a day when “that kid” is out?
And the whole class feels different?
Which means when they change…
…so does everyone else.
Meet the social referents
A culture is just what people think other people think. Nobody decided that being judgey is normal, or that you film every fight. Each person does it because they believe everyone else does, and that belief is held up by a surprisingly small number of people: the ones whose reactions everyone checks.
We call them social referents. It isn’t just the loudest or most popular kids. Every friend group has one:
- the group mom
- the guy who’s friends with everyone
- the most dramatic drama kid
- the team captain
- whoever runs the group chat
Even if you’re not one, you have power: you can be the person who asks them.
Same school, same message. Who says it first?
Every dot is a student, and the lines are who they talk to. The bigger dots are the social referents. Pick who starts the new habit and watch how far it spreads.
- 56 middle schools, 24,000 students, one year. Researchers mapped who students paid attention to, then trained a group of 20–32 students per school to take a public stand against conflict. Those schools saw about 30% fewer disciplinary reports of conflict, and the effect was strongest where more of the trained students were social referents. Paluck, Shepherd & Aronow, PNAS 2016
- Nobody got a lecture. The students designed their own messages: posters with their own faces, wristbands, a hashtag, a short conversation. The culture moved because the people others watch were seen doing something different.
Ask five people who don’t hang out together: “Who at this school do people listen to?” The same names come up. Write them here; they stay on this device and go into your scripts. Aim for one per friend group, not just the popular table.
One behavior people can see. Not “be nicer.” Every referent gets the same ask, so it reads as a new normal and not one person’s personality.
Never at their lunch table. Their friend group is exactly the audience that makes it hard for them to agree to anything. Catch them alone, be honest that it’s a slightly weird conversation, and ask for the one thing.
Your ask, in every script: say hi to people you don’t usually talk to. Change it above and these rewrite themselves.
The conversation
Say this, one on one
Hey [their name], can I be weirdly sincere for a second? I know we don't hang out much, but this matters and you're the right person. People here are really judgey with each other. [One specific thing you've seen: who got called cringe this week / the group chat that went after someone / a friend who eats lunch alone now]. I don't think anyone actually wants it to be like this. It's just that nobody goes first. Everyone I know pays attention to what you do. So I'm asking you for a favor that will make school better: start saying hi to people in the halls and in class that you don't usually talk to, and mean it. When the people everyone watches are friendly to people outside their group, it stops being a risk for anyone else to do it. I'm not asking you to run anything or make a speech. Just that one thing, where people can see it. I'm asking [two or three other names] to do the same, so it won't be just you. Would you be down? [Optional: and I owe you one, I'll bring people to your game/show/thing.]
Add names above and you get one of these per person, with their name in it.
Do it properly Run it like the study did: a group, not a favor
The schools in the trial didn’t rely on one organizer having twenty awkward conversations. They ran a small program, and you can copy the shape of it:
- Nominate. A one-question form to the whole grade: “Name up to five people at this school you pay attention to.” The top names are your referents. Invite them plus a handful of volunteers, so the group isn’t only the popular kids.
- Meet every two weeks with a teacher or counselor as the adult in the room. Twenty to thirty students. Pizza helps.
- Let them pick the message. Your job is to bring what you know about the school. Theirs is to decide what they’re willing to say and do in public.
- Make it visible. Posters with their names and faces, a moment at an assembly, a pinned post. Referents have to be seen taking the stance.
- Hand it down. Recruit sophomores in the spring so it outlives you.
Want more help?
We can work with you directly: finding your referents, planning the first ten conversations, getting a teacher to advise. Email ben@fix.school.