Competitive school culture
Stop the toxic competition.
Fighting for participation points. Gossip about who deserved the internship. Here's how to end it, without anyone falling behind.
Change the culturePicking up where you left off.
We'll look up the people at your school and district who decide grading policy, counseling staff and what gets said at assemblies, and put their names on every template below.
School not in the list (middle school, private, outside the US)?
Spend a week paying attention
Competition hides inside normal conversation. For one week, notice and write down:
- How many times someone asks “what did you get?” within a minute of a test being handed back
- Whether anyone hides a grade, or lies about a grade, in either direction
- What gets said about a classmate after they announce good news
- How many classes grade participation by hand count, and who gets called on
- Whether anyone has said out loud that they're not okay, and what happened next
You want a sentence like “in AP Lang the same five people get the participation points and everyone else has given up” or “three people in my grade have been told they didn't deserve their internship, to their face.” Then come back and pick whichever of the four above is closest. Step 3 lets you work on more than one.
Nobody does all of this. Pick what you have the energy for; you can come back and add more later.
A culture is what people think other people think. Nobody at your school decided that asking “what did you get?” is normal, or that an A- is a failure. Each person does it because they believe everyone else does. That belief is held up by a surprisingly small number of people: the ones whose reactions everyone else checks. Psychologists call them social referents.
Same school, same message. Who says it first?
Every dot is a student, and the lines are who they talk to. The bigger dots are the social referents. Pick who starts saying “stop asking what people got on tests” and watch how far it spreads.
- 56 middle schools, 24,000 students, one year. Researchers at Princeton mapped who students paid attention to, then trained a random group of 20–32 students per school to take a public stand against conflict. Schools that got the program saw about 30% fewer disciplinary reports of conflict. The effect was strongest in schools where more of the trained students were social referents. Paluck, Shepherd & Aronow, PNAS 2016
- Their friends didn't get a lecture. The students designed their own messages: posters with their own faces, wristbands, a hashtag, a short conversation. Nobody outside the group had to attend anything. The culture moved because the people others watch were seen doing something different.
- It isn't the loudest or most popular kids. Referents are the center of any friend group, and every group has one: the captain, the group mom, the guy who's somehow friends with everyone, the most dramatic drama kid, the person who already has the internship and never brings it up.
Step 1. Name yours
Ask five people who don't hang out together: “Who at this school do people listen to?” The same names come up. Write them here; they stay on this device and go into your scripts below. Aim for one per friend group, not just the popular table.
Step 2. Decide what you're asking them to do
One behavior, public, easy. Not “care about mental health.” Pick from these, or write your own, and every referent gets the same ask so it reads as a norm and not a personality.
Step 3. Talk to them one at a time
Never at their lunch table. Their friend group is exactly the audience that makes it hard for them to agree to anything. Catch them alone, be honest that it's a slightly weird conversation, and ask for the one thing.
Your ask, in every script: don't ask what people got. Change it above and these rewrite themselves.
The conversation
Say this, one on one
Hey [their name], can I be weirdly sincere for a second? I know we don't hang out much, but this matters and you're the right person. Everyone here is stressed about grades and college, and we've all kind of accepted that the way we treat each other about it is normal. [One specific thing you've seen: someone crying after a test got handed back / what people said about who got the internship / a friend who hasn't slept]. I don't think anyone here wants it to be like this. It's just that nobody goes first. Everyone I know pays attention to what you do. So I'm asking you for a favor that will improve the school: when a test comes back, just don't ask anyone what they got, and if someone else asks, change the subject. It's the smallest thing on this list and it's the whole culture in one question. When the people everyone watches stop asking, it stops being the thing you do. I'm not asking you to run anything or talk about feelings in public. Just that one thing, where people can see it. I'm asking [two or three other names] to do the same, so it won't be just you. Would you be down? [Optional: and I owe you one — I'll bring people to your game/show/thing.]
Add names above and you get one of these per person, with their name in it.
Do it properly Run it like the study did: a group, not a favor
The schools in the trial didn't rely on one organizer having twenty awkward conversations. They ran a small program, and you can copy the shape of it:
- Nominate. A one-question form to the whole grade: “Name up to five people at this school you pay attention to.” The top names are your referents. Invite them plus a handful of people who volunteered, so the group isn't only the popular kids.
- Meet every two weeks with a teacher or counselor as the adult in the room. Twenty to thirty students. Pizza helps.
- Let them pick the problem and the message. Your job is to bring what you know about the school. Theirs is to decide what they're willing to say and do in public. Messages they wrote themselves are the ones they'll repeat.
- Make it visible. Posters with their names and faces. A short assembly moment. A pinned post. Wristbands, if that's your school. The study's point was that referents had to be seen taking the stance.
- Hand it down. Recruit sophomores into the group in the spring so it survives your graduation.
Email template — A student-led culture program at [school name] — would you be our advisor?
Dear [Ms./Mr.], I'm a student at [school name]. I'd like to start a small student group aimed at the competitive culture here, and I'm writing to ask whether you would be its staff advisor. At [school name], [one sentence on what the competition looks like here: who gets the participation points, what gets said about who deserved the internship, how many APs people feel they need]. The model comes from a published trial in 56 schools (Paluck, Shepherd and Aronow, PNAS 2016): a group of 20–30 students, chosen partly by asking their classmates whom they pay attention to, met every two weeks with a staff advisor and designed their own public messages against the behavior they wanted to change. Schools that ran it saw about 30% fewer reports of conflict over a year. We'd aim it at how students treat each other about grades and college. What we'd need from you is a room every other week, your name on the paperwork, and about an hour a month. I have [#] students who have already said they'd join, including [names people would recognize]. Could I come by and talk it through? I'm free [when you're free]. With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
Find their email on your school's staff directory.
In a competitive school the person who is struggling most is often the one who looks like they're winning, and nobody checks on them. You do need to know what to say and where to hand it off, and several nonprofits have already written that down well.
What it looks like here specifically
- Hiding grades, or a sudden refusal to talk about school at all from someone who used to.
- “I'll kill myself if I fail this” said as a joke, more than once. Treat it as not a joke once.
- Sleep that has stopped. Awake at 3am texts, falling asleep in class, energy drinks as a personality.
- Quitting the thing they loved because it “doesn't help” for college.
- Going quiet after decisions come out (December and late March are the two worst weeks of the year at a school like yours; put them in your calendar).
- Being mean about other people's success, which is usually pain pointed outward.
The kit
Each of these is free, built for teenagers, and takes under an hour to learn.
- Active Minds — V-A-Ryou, right now
Validate, Appreciate, Refer. The three-step conversation for a friend who isn't okay, with a free toolkit and high school materials. Ten minutes to learn; the script below is built on it. - Seize the Awkwardyou, right now
From JED and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: warning signs, conversation starters for the moment when you know something's wrong and don't know how to start, and what to do next. Made for 16 to 24 year olds. - Be There Certificateyou, in an evening
A free online course from Jack.org and Born This Way Foundation on how to recognize when someone is struggling and support them without taking it all on yourself. Takes about two hours and you get a certificate at the end. - teen Mental Health First Aidthe school applies
Trains a whole grade (10, 11 or 12) to spot a friend in trouble and pull in an adult. Free in several states. The email below asks your school for it. - Sources of Strengththe school brings it in
A peer-leader program with a strong evidence base, built on the same idea as the referents step: train the students others listen to, and have them carry the message that asking for help is normal. - NAMI Ending the Silenceany staff member books it
A free 50-minute classroom session with a young adult telling their own story. The easiest yes an administrator will give you all year. - 988, and text HOME to 741741anyone, any time
The two numbers to have in your phone for a friend. Free, confidential, 24/7, and you don't have to be in crisis to use them. LGBTQ+ friends can also reach The Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386.
What to say
Three steps, from Active Minds' V-A-R. Validate, appreciate, refer. It works over text.
Text this, or say it
hey, I noticed [the specific thing — you've been really quiet since decisions came out / you said the thing about the test again / you haven't been at lunch]. I'm not trying to make it a big deal, I just wanted to check. [Validate] That makes sense. This place is a lot right now, and anyone would be feeling it. [Appreciate] Thanks for telling me. I know that's not easy here. [Refer] Do you want to talk to someone who's good at this? [Counselor's name] is decent, or you can text HOME to 741741 any time and it's anonymous. I'll walk over with you if you want. Either way I'm here, and I'm going to check in again on [day].
If a friend talks about hurting themselves, you don't handle it alone, even if they ask you to. Stay with them, tell a trusted adult that day, and give them 988. Keeping that secret is the one promise you're allowed to break.
Make it the school's, not yours
The email below asks the school to bring one of these programs in for a whole grade, so that knowing what to say becomes normal rather than heroic.
Email template — Peer mental health training for a whole grade at [school name]
Dear [Ms./Mr.], I'm a student at [school name]. I'm writing about one specific program, not a wish list. At [school name], [one sentence on what the competition looks like here: who gets the participation points, what gets said about who deserved the internship, how many APs people feel they need]. A lot of students here are not okay, and the people who notice first are their friends, who mostly don't know what to say. I'd like to ask the school to bring in [teen Mental Health First Aid / Sources of Strength] for [a whole grade]. Both train students to recognize a friend who is struggling and connect them to an adult, and both have to be requested by a staff member rather than a student, which is why I'm writing to you. teen MHFA is free in several states; I can find out whether ours is one. If the school brings one of these in, I can also promise a room full of students who will show up: [#] have already said they would. Could we talk for ten minutes about which one fits? With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
Find their email on your school's staff directory.
A teacher who grades participation by hand count has built a race into every class period. It isn't anyone's fault, and it can be changed by asking the right person in the right way.
One class: ask the teacher
Teachers are the good guys in this. Most of them hate the arms race too and have never been asked, by a student, for a specific alternative. Pick the one change that fits the class and send one email. Just ask to talk.
Participation is graded by hand count
Ask for participation to be graded on effort and preparation, capped as a share of the grade, with a way for quieter students to make it up: a minute after class, a written response, a small-group role. Teachers who grade this way say participation goes up, because nobody is raising a hand with nothing to say.
Email template — Could we talk about participation grading in [class]?
Hi [Mr./Ms./Dr. last name], Are you free to talk about how participation is graded in [class]? I have a couple of ideas that might make it less stressful for students, but I want to hear your perspective. What I notice from where I sit is that the same few people get the points and a lot of the rest of us have quietly given up on them. If participation were graded on effort and preparation rather than how many times someone gets called on, with a way to make it up in writing or after class, I think more people would talk, and fewer would raise a hand just to be seen raising it. I have nothing but respect for the work you put into making [class] a place people want to be, and I'd like to help make it more so. With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
Three tests in one week
A pile-up week is the easiest ask on this page, because every teacher has been on the wrong end of one. Ask early, name the other tests, and propose a specific new date. If it happens every month, that's the assessment-calendar ask below.
Email template — Could the [class] test move? Three land on [date]
Hi [Mr./Ms./Dr. last name], On [date] I have tests in [class], [class] and [class]. I'm not asking for less work — I'm asking whether the [class] test could move to [proposed date] so that I can study for it rather than triage it. I've asked [other teacher] the same thing so it isn't only landing on you. If it can't move, I understand, and I'd appreciate knowing early. Thank you for considering it. With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
No retakes, no revisions
Ask for one retake or one revision on major assessments, for anyone who comes to office hours first. That last clause is what makes teachers say yes: it turns a retake into extra learning rather than a second roll of the dice.
Email template — One retake, for students who come to office hours first?
Hi [Mr./Ms./Dr. last name], Would you be open to allowing one retake or revision on major assessments in [class], for students who come to office hours to go over what they missed first? I'm asking because the stakes on each test are high enough here that a lot of us study to avoid a number rather than to learn the material, and a single retake changes what studying is for. Making office hours the condition means it costs you time only for people who are trying. Happy to talk about how other teachers here handle it, if that's useful. With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
Grades read aloud, or curved against classmates
This one is a single sentence to a teacher who probably doesn't know it lands the way it does. Nobody defends reading grades aloud once a student says what it does to the room.
Email template — A small request about how grades are handed back in [class]
Hi [Mr./Ms./Dr. last name], This is a small thing and I'm a little nervous to bring it up, so thank you in advance for reading it. When [grades are read out / the class average is announced / tests are handed back in score order], it turns the minute after every test into a comparison, and the competition in our grade is already intense. I know that isn't the intention at all. Would you be willing to hand grades back privately, or post them to the portal instead? I really appreciate the class and I'd be grateful for this. With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
Every student at your school has gone through this alone, and most of the unkindness came from stress. The letter says that out loud, once, with everyone's name on it. It won't stop anyone from pushing too hard. It does two things a letter can do: it makes the commitment public so it's harder to break, and it asks the colleges to say the thing they already know is true.
To the admissions departments of elite universities,
We are the students of [school name], and we are writing to you together because, until now, every one of us has gone through this alone.
Much of the competition at our school centers on college admissions. We compete for participation points, the internship, class rank, and for one more AP, partly because we believe you are counting. We have learned a lot doing it, but the stakes keep rising. Ten APs became fifteen. An internship the summer after junior year became the summer after sophomore year. This has hurt our mental health, and it has hurt how we treat each other.
When we have been hostile, dismissive, or not supportive enough of a classmate about grades or college, it has come from our own stress. That is not an excuse, and we must do better.
This letter is our commitment to each other:
- We will not compete for competition's sake. We will take the classes and do the work we want to learn from, not the ones we are afraid to be seen without.
- We will never demean another student, whether for finding too much success or for not succeeding enough. We will strongly discourage each other from putting an application ahead of our wellbeing.
- We will learn the signs of stress, worsening mental health, and physical safety risks, and how to intervene to support struggling peers.
We are not writing because we think a letter will stop anyone from pushing too hard. We are writing so that the next student who is pushed too hard knows they are not the only one, and that they have other options.
And we are asking you for two things, in writing:
- Confirm that our applications are not zero-sum: you have no quota of students from one high school. Each student is evaluated against your whole applicant pool, not against their classmates. This will help dispel a common myth at our school.
- Confirm in plain language that one more AP class is less important than spending time with loved ones and taking care of your mental health.
Signed,
[#] students of [school name]
[link to the signatures]
How to get it signed
- Referents first. Get ten names people recognize before you show it to anyone else. A letter with the soccer captain and the newspaper editor at the top gets signed; a letter with three names gets screenshotted.
- One Google Form, one week. Name and grade only. Set a public goal (“half the school by Friday”) and post the count every day.
- Read one paragraph out loud at an assembly, a class meeting, or the start of a club. The “every student has gone through this alone” paragraph is the one.
- Tell your counselor before you send it. They know your school's regional admissions reps by name and can forward it in a way a student email can't. The template below asks them to.
we're writing an open letter from our whole school to college admissions officers. it says we'll stop competing for competition's sake and stop tearing each other down over grades and apps, and it asks the colleges to confirm there's no quota from one high school
[form link] — name and grade, takes 20 seconds
every one of us has gone through this alone. sign it so nobody after us has to
Where to send it
Three places, in this order: your counseling office, who forwards it to the regional reps for the colleges your school sends the most students to; the admissions offices themselves, by email, with the signature count in the subject line; and your school newspaper or Instagram, because the letter is also for the freshmen.
Email template — An open letter from [school name] students to admissions offices — could you forward it?
Dear [Ms./Mr.], I'm a student at [school name]. [#] of us have signed an open letter to the admissions officers who read our applications. It commits us to stop competing for competition's sake and to stop tearing each other down over grades and college, and it asks the colleges to confirm, in writing, that there is no quota of students from one high school and that one more AP matters less than our wellbeing. The letter is attached, with the signature list. I'm writing to you because you know our regional admissions representatives by name and a note from the counseling office will be read where a student email might not. Would you be willing to forward it to the reps for the colleges our students apply to most, and ask them for a written reply we can share with students? I'd also love to hear your read on it before it goes anywhere. With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
Find their email on your school's staff directory.
Email template — An open letter from the students of [school name]
Dear [Dean of Admissions / Regional Representative], [#] students of [school name] in [city, state] have signed the attached open letter. It is a commitment to each other about how we compete and how we treat each other, and it asks your office for two things in writing: 1. That our applications are not zero-sum: you have no quota of students from one high school, and each of us is evaluated against your whole applicant pool, not against our classmates. 2. In plain language, that one more AP class is less important than spending time with loved ones and taking care of our mental health. We know many of you have signed the Turning the Tide deans' commitment. We are asking you to say it to our school, so that students here can point to it when the pressure says otherwise. Thank you for reading it. The students of [school name] [contact name and email]
Email template — Publishing our open letter to admissions offices
Dear [Principal], I'm a student at [school name]. [#] students have signed an open letter to college admissions officers about the competitive pressure here and how we treat each other because of it. Our counselor has a copy. The letter is also for the students who come after us, so we'd like to publish it in [the school paper / the student newsletter / the school's social accounts] and read one paragraph at [an assembly / class meeting]. I wanted you to have it first, and to ask whether you'd support that. With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
Find their email on your school's staff directory.
Culture change takes a year or two. Someone whose job is to talk to students takes a budget line, and the budget gets decided on a date. The argument that moves a board is not that students are stressed. It's a ratio: national associations publish how many students one counselor, social worker or psychologist should carry, and almost no school meets it.
Get these from your school's staff directory or the front office. Leave blank what you can't find.
In a competitive school the counselors also carry the college process, which is a second full-time job. That's the sentence to add: “our counselors are also our college counselors, so the time for a student who isn't okay is whatever's left.”
Email template — Our student-to-counselor ratio at [school name]
Dear [Principal], I'm a student here. I looked up our mental health staffing and wanted to ask you about it directly before I raise it anywhere else. At [school name] we have [#] counselors, [#] social workers and [#] psychologists for [#] students. The recommended ratios are 250:1 for counselors and social workers, and 500:1 for psychologists. Our counselors are also our college counselors, which is a second full-time job at a school like ours, so the time left for a student who isn't okay is whatever is left. At [school name], [one sentence on what the competition looks like here: who gets the participation points, what gets said about who deserved the internship, how many APs people feel they need]. Could we talk about where we might find flexibility in the school budget for more mental health resources? With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
Find their email on your school's staff directory.
Email template — Mental health staffing and grant funding at [school name]
Dear [Ms./Mr.], I'm a student at [school name]. I understand your office oversees student services and grants, so I'm writing to you about staffing. At [school name] we have [#] counselors, [#] social workers and [#] psychologists for [#] students. The recommended ratios are 250:1 for counselors and social workers, and 500:1 for psychologists. Our counselors are also our college counselors, which is a second full-time job at a school like ours, so the time left for a student who isn't okay is whatever is left. Four questions: 1. What federal or state mental health grants does the district currently hold? 2. What did they fund at [school name] specifically? 3. When does each expire, and what happens to those supports afterward? 4. Is any of it unspent right now? I'm asking so that I can argue for another social worker at the right moment, with the right facts. With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
Find their email on your school's staff directory.
Email template — Mental health staffing at [school name]
Dear [Members of the Board], I'm a student at [school name], and I'd like to speak at your next meeting about our mental health staffing. At [school name] we have [#] counselors, [#] social workers and [#] psychologists for [#] students. The recommended ratios are 250:1 for counselors and social workers, and 500:1 for psychologists. Our counselors are also our college counselors, which is a second full-time job at a school like ours, so the time left for a student who isn't okay is whatever is left. I've already written to [who you emailed] on [date], and [what happened, or "I haven't had a response"]. Staffing is a budget decision, which is why I'm bringing it to you. Could you tell me how to sign up for public comment, and when next year's budget is decided? With hope and gratitude, [your name] A student at [school name]
Find their email on your school's staff directory.
Competition looks different at every school. Let's work out yours.
Who the referents are, which teachers will move first, whether the letter or the social worker is the right lead: none of that is the same at two schools. We will come to your school, listen to your concerns, and run workshops to help make change.
- Map your school's referents with you and plan the first ten conversations
- Pick the teachers and the one grading change most likely to land
- Draft the letter with your class and get it in front of the right admissions reps
- Get you ready for the principal, the board, or the assembly
Free for public schools.
Rather write to us first? Send this and a person will reply.
Email template — Student at [school name] — competitive culture
Hi Ben, I'm a student at [school name]. The competition at my school looks like: [participation points / who deserved what / the application arms race / people who aren't okay]. I need help with [what you need: finding our referents / the open letter / talking to teachers or admin / the social worker ask / something else]. So far I've [what you've already tried, if anything]. Thanks, [your name]
Want more help?
We can work with you directly to make these changes.
Email template — Student at [school name] — competitive culture
Hi Ben, I'm a student at [school name]. The competition at my school looks like: [participation points / who deserved what / the application arms race / people who aren't okay]. I need help with [what you need: finding our referents / the open letter / talking to teachers or admin / the social worker ask / something else]. So far I've [what you've already tried, if anything]. Thanks, [your name]